Sunday, February 10, 2002
Winfield's plane leaves in an hour. I am pretty excited for him. We had an amazing, low-key day yesterday with few tears. There were tears, but they were reserved for the final goodbye. Rita and I drove him into the city and met my parents and their friends. Winfield and I hugged for a good 3 minutes straight. I just didn't want to let go. I felt like I was really letting go of him as a boy and when he comes back, he will be a man. And maybe by then I will be one too.
We spent the day playing cards and having a couple beers. We got to talk and laugh and just be with eachother for the afternoon. It was perfect. There were a few moments yesterday, (after he left) that I felt like I was going to break down into hysterical sobs. But I was able to breathe through it and find that bright side. It's quite possible that I will see him again by the end of the year. Maybe by Christmas? Hopefully by Christmas.
Ironically, I woke up in an amazing mood today. I feel ready to get out of the house and do something. I feel as though I should act on this feeling and not wait for it to dissipate into the depression of a usual Sunday. So I am driving Kelly to work in Lower Manhattan. Then Reets and I will prolly have a few glasses of wine, watch a movie, and just relax. Why can't every day be so simple and nice?
Haven't heard from Paul since Friday night. We got in a little tiff.
This was how the conversation went:
Paul: "Hi. How are you?"
Joe: "Good. We are in a cab going home." (We had just been to a cool party and bar with our friend Penelope)
Paul: "Cool. So what are you doing tomorrow?"
Joe: "Well tomorrow is going to be a difficult day."
Paul: "Oh. You have an audition right?"
Joe: (Anger at his ignorance rising to my throat) "No, Paul. My brother is leaving for Germany tomorrow. And I haven't audtioned once since I left school (which he knows), so why would you say something like that?"
Paul: "Oh. I forgot. Sorry. I thought you said that you wanted to start auditioning."
Joe: "Alright. I gotta go. Thanks a lot man."
Paul: (knowing he fucked up) "Joe, I am sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't know why I said it."
Joe: "Well, whatever. Thanks for the support."
I hung up and was enraged. Why the fuck can't he ever think of anyone, but himself. I OBVIOUSLY don't need him to be there for me all the time. But can he at least remember the big things that are changing my life? I don't get it. He is so self-centered. (As we all are) But if he can't give me the right words of encouragement or advice, can he at least remember that my brother is moving to fucking Germany? Great boyfriend moment by Paul.
And we have only been together for 2 years and a month. Not that I am counting the time toward the demise of our relationship.
So he called once more that night and I just couldn't bear to hear anymore of his bullshit. So we barely spoke. He hasn't called since. And I am surely not calling his sorry ass. Why does he have to always put me on the defensive. Fucking toolbox that he is.
Not even toolbox. Insensitive to the point of no return would be a better saying for him.
In any case, I do feel good today. And thank the lord that I don't have to rely on him for such emotions.
So that it. Felt good to get that off my chest. And what a nice chest it is turning out to be. (I have been doing push-ups for 2 days in a row now) I might have a man chest by summer.
We spent the day playing cards and having a couple beers. We got to talk and laugh and just be with eachother for the afternoon. It was perfect. There were a few moments yesterday, (after he left) that I felt like I was going to break down into hysterical sobs. But I was able to breathe through it and find that bright side. It's quite possible that I will see him again by the end of the year. Maybe by Christmas? Hopefully by Christmas.
Ironically, I woke up in an amazing mood today. I feel ready to get out of the house and do something. I feel as though I should act on this feeling and not wait for it to dissipate into the depression of a usual Sunday. So I am driving Kelly to work in Lower Manhattan. Then Reets and I will prolly have a few glasses of wine, watch a movie, and just relax. Why can't every day be so simple and nice?
Haven't heard from Paul since Friday night. We got in a little tiff.
This was how the conversation went:
Paul: "Hi. How are you?"
Joe: "Good. We are in a cab going home." (We had just been to a cool party and bar with our friend Penelope)
Paul: "Cool. So what are you doing tomorrow?"
Joe: "Well tomorrow is going to be a difficult day."
Paul: "Oh. You have an audition right?"
Joe: (Anger at his ignorance rising to my throat) "No, Paul. My brother is leaving for Germany tomorrow. And I haven't audtioned once since I left school (which he knows), so why would you say something like that?"
Paul: "Oh. I forgot. Sorry. I thought you said that you wanted to start auditioning."
Joe: "Alright. I gotta go. Thanks a lot man."
Paul: (knowing he fucked up) "Joe, I am sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't know why I said it."
Joe: "Well, whatever. Thanks for the support."
I hung up and was enraged. Why the fuck can't he ever think of anyone, but himself. I OBVIOUSLY don't need him to be there for me all the time. But can he at least remember the big things that are changing my life? I don't get it. He is so self-centered. (As we all are) But if he can't give me the right words of encouragement or advice, can he at least remember that my brother is moving to fucking Germany? Great boyfriend moment by Paul.
And we have only been together for 2 years and a month. Not that I am counting the time toward the demise of our relationship.
So he called once more that night and I just couldn't bear to hear anymore of his bullshit. So we barely spoke. He hasn't called since. And I am surely not calling his sorry ass. Why does he have to always put me on the defensive. Fucking toolbox that he is.
Not even toolbox. Insensitive to the point of no return would be a better saying for him.
In any case, I do feel good today. And thank the lord that I don't have to rely on him for such emotions.
So that it. Felt good to get that off my chest. And what a nice chest it is turning out to be. (I have been doing push-ups for 2 days in a row now) I might have a man chest by summer.
